Why is it that everything in life worth having you have to fight for? Sometimes I wish that the things that I wanted would just be handed to me so I would not have to go through the pain to get them.
I am in a battle right now that is so amazingly painful that I despair of ever over coming it. I know that others have won but for me I see no hope in sight. I know what I must do but I don’t do it. Why….. IT HURTS!!!!! I do not want to be in pain any more. I feel like I have been in pain for so long I just want to be at peace. I want to be live at peace for a period of time. I am not a fighter I am a guy who wants to live at peace. But my life is full of battles and struggles and I hate it. I do not want to fight, those around me do not fight and they seem to be doing all right but I know that I have been called to fight so I must go back into the battle. But I don’t want to at all. I want to surrender and ask both sides to leave me alone for a while I pull my life back together.
Have you ever been walking towards a cliff and known that you were about to walk off the edge and even seen it coming and STILL WALKED OFF ANYWAYS!!! What is that? I do that all the time. I see the cliff coming and what do I do I may slow down or I may not I may just speed up so that I can get the drop over with sooner.
What is the answer?
Well if you want to hear what the books says,
“Trust in the Lord and he will renew your strength,”
“Pray for the strength to overcome and Jesus will fill you with his power,”
“Memorize scripture and have it constantly running through your mind,”
“Read the word of God and he will encourage you,”
Well all of these are true and there are many more and much better ones. But all these short sencences are incredibly hard to actually do!!! Everything is pushing against me when I try or when I even think about do any of those thinks. And you are saying sitting there reading this in your chair well just go forward that is the only way you can go. But as you are arm chair quarter backing it i am actually here fighting and it is not that easy. I would like nothing better than to do all of this and to listen to all the advice that I have received and to get out of this battle but I cant. I am stuck in a circle because I give out just enough effort to start the momentum then I run out just in time to fall right back around to where I was creating a huge circle of bull s#*%!!!!!
I sound very discouraged and despondent right now which is not actually how my life is right now but it is how I feel right now. I feel this way and I don’t like it but I do know how to feel any other way right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment